July 11, 2019
  • 3:27 am Couch Fatshames Jerome’s Employees
  • 11:02 pm Californian Bunny Becomes Tic Toc Memelord After Caught 'Not Believing In Non-Binary People"
  • 6:35 am James Beamon Arrested By PETA Geheime Polizei for Animal Abuse in His Work
  • 12:34 pm Martin Licis Found In Apartment With Illegal Anime Goods
  • 12:33 am Japanese Cat Cafe Undergoes Extensive Examination

A 99′ Tocotti Slate Premium Fabric Sofa was fired from a Jerome’s in Southern California for fatshaming an employee. Zick Narour, the victim of the attacks, explained to our interviewer, “every day I walked by the 99′ Tocotti Slate Premium Fabric Sofa and every day i-it would—” Zick fell silent and started crying. Braun Pubes, […]

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CALIFORNIA, FONTANA—Pleading to be anonymous, a Jane Doe of California was caught ‘not believing in non-binary people’. Chief Keef of FPD was in charge of the sting operation that uncovered Jane’s illicit beliefs. “This is California, the land of full-alternate neighborhoods filled predominantly with minorities. If you aren’t not straight, go shove a broom up […]

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James Beamon, an indie author with no SEO juice, was arrested by the PGP (PETA Geheime Polizei), an offshoot fanmade flavor of the Nazi Gestapo. Bob Himmler (not related to Heinrich Himmler, but would’ve been proud to be), the Chief of the force, offered to comment after Beamon’s arrest. “Beamon has been charged by the […]

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Martin Licis, the world’s strongest anime fan, was found in his apartment on last Friday unresponsive, covered by 500 lbs of anime body pillows, figurines, and masturbation devices. “We thought Mr. Licis was dead, but we found that he was sweating and breathing softly and uncontrollably, clear signs of low blood sugar,” says Angela, a […]

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TOKYO, JAPAN—猫カフェ (Neko Cafe) has been under fire for displaying unclothed cats. PETA offered the cafe a free 1-hour examination of the premises, promising to weed out any other debilitating violations with every extra minute costing an additional 2,000 yen. Bob, the Paris Police Prefecture consultant nutritionist and co-founder of PETA, was the leader of […]

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An AI-powered degutter and meat grinder have escaped Pepperidge Farm, Philadelphia. Ethan Icich and Daniel Chadcliffe, the creators of the abominations, are under governmental protection as they attempt to find ways to remotely disable the robots. “[The robots are holding] 42 people hostage, the use of force is prohibited.” Chief of Staff of the United […]

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Ethan Icich of Philadelphia High School and Daniel Chadcliffe of Pepperidge Farm have joined forces to create the world’s first AI-powered slaughterhouse. Icich had the idea after his great-grandma choked to death on a wad of contaminated beef, emotionally pushing him to take matters into his own hands. “It’s quite simple, if we can remove […]

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The Notre Dame Cathedral caught fire on April 15, Monday. Firefighters rushed into the burning cathedral and found a rave party inside. The iconic spire fell down and crushed most of the party, confusing firefighters and allowing a few members to escape. Ezra Peta, the host of the party, was arrested by Paris police when […]

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Sean Worthing of Florida was arrested Wednesday by FBI agents tracking an online pedophile going by the name ‘FlrodiaMan’. Worthing used his fake name to trick law enforcement agents into believing he was not actually in Florida. “It’s fucking genius. Nobody would just give away their actual location, reverse psychology actually works! Criminals should broadcast […]

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Dr. Flint Lock of MIT and his team of geeky and socially awkward undergraduates have created the world’s first ‘meatball plant’. The meatball plant is a highly customized GMO that creates grows meat rather than flower buds. “It’s not actually a plant, but a fungus that lives on a plant that can only reproduce by […]

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